This Infertility Sucks!!

I have gone back and forth whether or not to blog about my journey, and yet I know so many of you know--and I'm not a very private person anyway, so I decided I would blog. I feel like just sitting down and letting it rip. I know some people find it odd to write about such private things, but I know just close friends and family read this anyway!!

Well, we had our first fertility procedure this past month and were to find out on Mother's Day if it worked. Unfortunately, it did not. I didn't think I would feel this way, but I think I am beginning to open up my heart to the fact that I might not hold another baby of my own, and it's a sad, sad realization for me. Tonight, my husband and I shared a VERY good cry together--something we have not done EVER since we have started trying to have kids over 5 years ago. He just held me and let me cry--let me tell him I'm scared I won't hold another baby--let me tell him that I feel less of a mom because I might only have ONE--just let me say somethings out loud that I have never said out loud.

At times along this journey, I think I have felt ok about maybe not having another baby, but possibly adopting (which is still an option). I think I have felt guilty at times if I do feel sad because I don't want to lose precious time being a mom to Hudson by moping around and being sad. I don't want to grow bitter, and let this infertility consume me--like it does many, many woman. I have been able to laugh and tease about it, and I have held my head high, but today, I am just plain ol' sad about it all. And it just feels so good to release it and know that it's ok to feel this way--doesn't mean I don't trust God, just means I might need to grieve the fact I might not ever rock another one of MY babies again. Makes me wish I would have known Hudson would possibly be our first and last--and now he's three already. WOW! It makes me look at him differently--if he's the only child from my very own womb, I want to cling to each moment and to love, love, love him!

I don't want to put a damper on anyone, but I just felt like "writing" it all down. We are trying to make sense of why one of the strongest desires of my and Craig's hearts has been such a struggle. I have always, always wanted to be a mom. And once Hudson came, I knew even more that I LOVED being a mom, and I wanted more. It just doesn't seem right to only have one child--I just can't wrap my head around it.

So here we are. Who knows what our future holds, but I feel tonight like the dream is dying here, and if it is, I just needs Christ's strength to help me let it go.

P.S. My friend Jana once blogged about the stupid things people have said to her trying to comfort her about her son, Joshua's, leukemia. The other day, a girl with the BEST intentions told me that maybe we don't have another baby because God knows what I can handle!! She's saying this as she is holding her SECOND baby!! I graciously (which isn't like me) said, "yeah, maybe so." When what I wanted to say was something like this--"Oh, so God knows you can handle 2, but I can't? Does God think I can only love one baby? What exactly do you mean by what I can handle??" So, I say that all to say encouragement always welcomed, but sometimes just a simple, "I'm so sorry" works REALLY well.