This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
Yet this is how it is
And our God is in control
This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control
And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day
This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control
Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control
Over the weekend, I just finished Mary Beth Chapman's new book, "Choosing to See", and man did it ever speak to me. She was so real and so honest, and it's like it just gave me permission to be honest--mostly just honest with myself.
This past year has been a tough year for us. It seems like every time we turned another corner, there was just more bad news waiting for us. Failed feritlity treatments, failed adoption plans, Craig being transferred, my mom passing away. And suddenly, it's like reality is just hitting me in the face. This past week, I have listened to the Steven Curtis Chapman song above over and over, and I feel like God has just been meeting me in my weakness.
Our heart's desire was to have kids--lots of kids in fact. And now, I don't know if that dream will ever come true. It seems like every option we choose, the door gets closed in our face. Right now, I am tired. I am tired of fighting--fighting for a kid that may never be ours. I have just realized that I am so weary. Weary of making new choices every day about how we will grow our family--and then nothing working out. Weary of going to the dr. to get medical clearance to adopt. Tired of filling out paper work. Tired of making phone calls--only to have it fall through.
So, like the song says, this is not how it should be; this is not how we planned it to be when we started this journey, and I WILL never know this side of heaven why, but I will sing holy, holy, holy is our God, and I will trust that He is in control. And I am finally realizing that he can handle my tears and my questions. I have tried with my own strength to be strong and begged and pleaded for Him to protect my heart from becoming bitter. To help keep me from becoming that crazy lady whose only pursuit in life is get more kids. But today, I hear His voice telling me that He can handle my sadness. That He will trade beauty for ashes, and a garment of praise for my heaviness. So until that day comes, I feel relieved that I can keep bringing Him my ashes and my heaviness.
7 comments:
This is a beautiful post, Marcy. It's so applicable to just about every hard thing we go through. I hope you're encouraged today.
I love that we have a heavenly father who is patient, understands, cares, comforts, protects, provides...
Where would we be without that relationship and how would we go on when the huge trials come?
You are such a blessing to me. Just like Steven and Mary Beth Chapman are a testimony to those who watch them, you are a testimony to those who watch you. You may not be in the spotlight like them, but the confidence you have in God speaks volumes to me and I know to so many other people. I love you and I'm proud to call you a friend.
I always love hearing your heart, Marcy. And I'm so sorry for the disappointment and discouragement...the heavy heart. I know this is going to be long, but I read this from My Utmost for His Highest this morning and was reminded of it as I read your blog. I hope it ministers...and I love you!!
. . . when Moses was grown . . . he went out to his brethren and looked at their burdens —Exodus 2:11
Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After he launched his first strike for God and for what was right, God allowed Moses to be driven into empty discouragement, sending him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared to Moses and said to him, ” ’. . . bring My people . . . out of Egypt.’ But Moses said to God, ’Who am I that I should go . . . ?’ ” (Exodus 3:10-11). In the beginning Moses had realized that he was the one to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in his individual perspective, but he was not the person for the work until he had learned true fellowship and oneness with God.
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and yet when we start to do it, there comes to us something equivalent to Moses’ forty years in the wilderness. It’s as if God had ignored the entire thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged, God comes back and revives His call to us. And then we begin to tremble and say, “Who am I that I should go . . . ?” We must learn that God’s great stride is summed up in these words— “I AM WHO I AM . . . has sent me to you” (Exodus 3:14). We must also learn that our individual effort for God shows nothing but disrespect for Him— our individuality is to be rendered radiant through a personal relationship with God, so that He may be “well pleased” (Matthew 3:17). We are focused on the right individual perspective of things; we have the vision and can say, “I know this is what God wants me to do.” But we have not yet learned to get into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a time of great personal growth ahead.
Marcy, your in my prayer journal. Today I'm praying for your strength to be renewed and your joy to be overflowing! Thank you for sharing your heart.
marcy, thanks for being so honest...it's a breath of fresh air when people are honest, because life simply isn't happy all the time. There are seasons of heaviness we struggle under. I'm praying for your joy and peace in the middle of it all as you watch your precious boy grow big and strong...no matter what the future holds, there will be incredible times ahead.
Marcy-
I "just happened" to read your blog today. Your words were an encouragement to me. I have been thinking about the Lord's Prayer a lot lately and how He asks us to pray to Our Father in Heaven and then immediately praise Him. You are doing that and I want to do that more.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I will always remember what a huge support she was to you. I will be praying for you as you go through some real trials. Much love to you Marcy!
What a beautifully transparent look into your life right now. Thank you. You are such a woman of wisdom, always have been to me!
BG said to tell you he saw your dad this past weekend at a conference at Trinity.
Glad you are writing again!
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