What I'm Learning Today About Life

It's late, and I cannot sleep, so I decided to write a quick post. I know my most recent blogs have all been about how hard life has been for us lately--and honestly, I don't mean to complain when I am writing about that. And even though I have tried my best--with all my strength at times to keep a cheerful heart and to guard against bitterness because our family isn't growing like I wish it were, when I finally really, really got honest with myself and God--I have found freedom like you would not believe. Freedom to grieve the loss of our biggest dream to raise more than one child. Freedom to cry because I am sad about it. And freedom to start to move forward even though I have NO idea what the future holds. So, here's where it gets kind of cool to me--I am seeing that God isn't disappointed in my tears or my sadness. Learning that it doesn't mean I don't believe He is good or in control because I am sad that one of our biggest desires of our hearts isn't happening. But instead feeling the embrace of a God who LOVES me and will comfort me when I mourn!!

In the last few weeks, I have felt a release in my spirit. All the things I was doing to try to please God (and yet I wasn't truly being honest with myself or Him) were the very things that I believe the enemy was using to get a foothold in my heart. I was constantly saying how I trusted God and how I wanted to guard my heart from becoming a bitter infertile person who couldn't rejoice in other women's pregnancies. And people would applaud me for such strength, and I liked that. I liked that I didn't sit around and cry because we couldn't have a baby. I felt so good that I wasn't getting bitter or not having faith. They very things I was trying to hard to avoid were growing like weeds in the garden of my heart. But once I finally got honest with myself and let the tears come--WOW, there was healing taking place in my heart.

I began to see that life really isn't about mountain tops and valleys. Craig and I were constantly wondering when we were going to get out of our valley of bad news. But that in life there will always be hard times--even when life is as good as it can be, there will always be something difficult that I am dealing with. And on the flip side of that--even when life is very challenging and difficult, there is ALWAYS something good in our lives too. Craig and I had become way too accustomed to talking about if anything bad could happen to anyone, it will be us. We were always just saying, "we need a break!!" We need ONE good thing to happen to us. We were so blinded by just focusing on all the "hard" stuff--we would even go over it like a list over and over again. We would talk about our friends who have never had to handle stress or bad news or be made to carry the burdens we have. I am so thankful to finally recognize how this has been part of what has kept us in the pit.

In the last few days, I have truly been able to praise God for the freedom He is giving me. Freeing me to come as a wounded child into His arms to cry about the things in life that hurt. And as He's comforting me, He's allowing me to see all the good things in my life and revealing the lies I have bought into about being strong and not crying. It's really cool, and I feel like I am not explaining it very well. But there is just something about brokeness that brings healing and freedom. And I wish I had known this years ago--then I wouldn't have bottled up so many tears because I thought I would disappoint God by crying. I know you cryers out there will never understand that--and my advice to you--JUST KEEP CRYING!!