My Resolve

Well, let me begin by giving some of you some background of where I am coming from. For those of you reading this, and that don't know much about the last several years, Craig and I have had a really hard time getting pregnant. It took us 2 LONG years to get pregnant with Hudson. We were on the waiting list at the infertility clinic when we conceived on our own! YAY! So, I figured we would get pregnant rather easily with the second one, so we did nothing to prevent after Hudson was born. He will be 3 in March. Sooooo, we are now at the infertility clinic (we didn't get pregnant this time before we got the call that we had an appointment) trying to get pregnant with a second. So far, all we have learned is that Craig is mostly good on his part (if you know what I mean), I do ovulate regularly, my hormones are normal, BUT, I have a blocked tube.

Up until beginning treatment at the clinic, I would say we had a pretty positive outlook and attitude. However, the stress of calculating everything, and always being aware of where I am in my cycle kind of had me feeling stressed out about all of this fertility treatment stuff. Not to mention what would I do with Hudson as I go to all of these appointments. Plus, Craig had just begun a new job, so how was he going to get time away to be at these appointments.

Well, in the last few weeks, things have settled down in my heart. Sure, I want more than anything in this world to have another baby. I LOVE being a mom!! I love it more than I thought I would. I desperately want more children!!!!! But in the last few weeks, the Lord has really given me a true peace in my heart that can only come from Him. Notice I said peace, not a promise. The Lord has NEVER promised me more children--if anything, He just keeps asking me to give Him my desire and trust. So, here I am......trusting. And thankful. Thankful for Hudson--who now more than ever I realize is our miracle baby. I can't imagine life without him. And I am thankful for Craig (although he's getting on my nerves right now with his illness), I am still thankful he's my husband. He's a hard worker--has good, no GREAT work ethic, and provides me with the security that a woman needs. I know he will always take care of us. I am thankful for Craig's new job--more money, and in this crazy economy. When all around us, people are losing their jobs, houses, stability, here we are doing better than we were a few months ago. So, even though we aren't pregnant, I see God's goodness and love for me ALL around.

I know fertility is a "secretive" (that's for you Lindsey), topic from most, but I don't want to keep quiet about what God is going in my heart!! Life is for living. Far be it for me, to mope around and wallow in self pity, and not be able to celebrate when my friends and family are pregnant. I refuse to live that way. I want to choose to walk in JOY and look each day at the blessings God has given me--and practice contentment. He is so good to me, and I will trust Him in this--even if the answer is no baby!!

So there it is. The elephant in the room. Lots of people asking when we are having the next baby--now you know. It's not up to us. But in the mean time, I want to keep living and looking ahead. Looking for people to love on and give to--living this moment content, so that I will never look back with regret!!